Thursday, August 27, 2015

Most Vegetarians Revert To Eating Meat 12/8/2014 3:35 PM ET According to a new research at the Humane Research Council, more than 80 percent of vegetarians go back to eating meat at some point in their life. The data included 11,000 American adults. Only two percent of the sample remained exclusively vegetarian, and 88 percent reported no return to a vegetarian diet. Though the study specifically asked about the consumption of red meat by former vegetarians, the researchers say the largest amount of meat consumed was poultry, specifically chicken. Backsliding seemed to occur regardless of the initial zeal for a non meat diet, as demonstrated by a recent interview at a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) shelter. The staffer, who chose to remain anonymous, said: “This is Bullshit. If nobody was around, I’d be in the back cooking up a pet ferret or chewing the head off of an abandoned Parrot”. The interview concluded with the PETA staffer asserting: “Vegetables ain’t food. Vegetables is what food eats.”
HUGH HEFNER AND THE CULT OF VIAGRA® Com on Hugh: A Four -way? A Three way? A No Way is more like it. Listen up, headslapper: Hef is 185 years old. He probably needs a shot of B-12 to change his mind. The idea that he’s Über Diddling an unending series of 20 year olds is beyond pathetic. However, the wizened Playboy has inspired a cult that worships the magic blue pill and its cousins. There are no innocent bystanders in this cluster fuck. His women are odd beyond belief. I’m familiar with girls that have unresolved “daddy issues” but these broads seem to have unresolved granddaddy....no wait …great-great-granddaddy issues: “Oh great great great granddaddy give it to me! Do it like you did last time!” A pregnant pause........“I , I,.....I can’t remember.” Nevertheless, legions of old farts that should know better are lining up for the magic pill and diving in to the fray. The realities of sex with twenty- something- year-olds needs to be addressed for the intrepid adventurers into this brave new world of horniness. The most wanton females of the 60s and 70s pale in comparison to the post-modern girls of today. With the exception of porn theaters and the suppliers of stag movies for bachelor parties and Penthouse Forum, there was no easily available pornography to serve as the educational base for sex. Anyone can now access anything that can be conceived (try it...use Google to search for the most ridiculous idea that you can imagine. I just ‘Google-searched “Lesbian Midgets” and “Spanking”....and got 29,100 results in less than half a second) The privacy provided by the Internet has provided inspiration to women that would have previously topped out at “loose”. The “bad girls” at my high school underlined the dirty parts of “Tobacco Road” “Lolita “and “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”, stole scotch whiskey from their parents and took Darvon® scavenged from the mother’s medicine cabinet. They were good for some steamy make out sessions and some would eventually allow you to talk them out of their virtue. I know of one girl that was deflowered at least 5 times. The 50s and 60s had the movie sexpots of Marilyn, Jane Mansfield and others that in retrospect struggled to achieve naughtiness. The women of the brave new world have a repertoire of sex acts, positions, wardrobe and accessories/equipment that would have made Donatien Alphonse François, a.k.a. the Marquis the Sade blush. Proto-trollops like Madonna have spawned a new generation of “role models” for girls: Britney, Paris, Lindsey, and the Kardashians, that have become celebrities in great part due their willingness to flash shaved kooches, produce their own amateur porn flicks and stumble from one drunken scandal to the next in a highly entertaining fashion. Tequila (straight or in Margaritas), Jack Daniels and Jaegermesiter were once the troika of “liquid panty peeler (LPP)” that men tried to foist on unsuspecting young ladies. The scary reality is that ordering up a few shots of LPP will likely be her idea; it’s a 50-50 proposition that she will be wearing panties to begin with, and she may show up with reinforcements in the form of a fresh bottle of Cuervo Gold and a girlfriend for later. These shameless hussies don’t even require salt and lime in many cases! Along with these, drugs such as Ecstasy and Molly turn mundane sexual encounters into mind-bending marathons that are dangerous for young men, never mind geezers with urgent drug induced hard-ons. I also suspect that the incidence of women employing date rape drugs such as Rohypnol, GHB and similar potions is at least as common as their use by men. Hefner has cleared a dangerous path for the unaware. At the very least, if you insist, take appropriate measures. Semper Erectus, Semper Paratus implies that a kit bag will contain: Condoms Lubricant Mouth Piece... never mind, just remove your dentures Dental dam Latex Gloves Bicycle Helmet Knee Pads Elbow pads The Complete Stockroom Christmas Catalog www.stockroom.com Dogging Bat (Look it up) Protective Goggles DVD player with a copy of “Lesbian Girl Scout Leaders in Bondage” Oxygen Tank Nitrous Oxide Tank Helium Tank Video recorder with wearable camera Gatorade® for the replacement of electrolyte… hell, might as well hook up an I.V. drip of 5% dextrose solution Automatic Electric Defibrillator Cell Phone with 911 and a Divorce Lawyer on speed dial. A co-ed of my acquaintance summed it all up by paraphrasing a Viagra® product advisory: “If you are experiencing an erection lasting more than 4 hours, call me!”

Sunday, May 13, 2012

MOTHERS OF OUR COUNTRY

MOTHERS OF OUR COUNTRY It started with the democrat “soccer moms” sometime in the 1990s. Any expansion of government whether on the local state or federal level was justified by the claim that it was being done “for the children”. I think that any time that a politician or bureaucrat proposes intrusive rules or laws with the catchphrase “for the children”, they should be immediately hanged with a sign around their necks stating that: “ We did this for the children”. Like weeds, mothers groups started springing up all over the country. It seemed that each ‘Mothers Against’ (fill in the blank) organization targeted at least one of the first Ten Amendments to the US Constitution, also known as the Bill of Rights. Not to say that the problems that they addressed weren’t serious, but the solutions overreached and seemed to erode our civil liberties. The premiere group Mother’s Against Drunk Driving could have easily been renamed “Mothers Against the 4th 5th and 7th Amendments. Been through a “Traffic Safety Stop “lately? Have you been nailed by a Traffic Enforcement Camera? Been fined for “Distracted Driving”? Seen the video surveillance drones over your neighborhood? You can thank Candy Lightner, the pioneer of Mothers Against….movements. Other maternal groups include: Mothers Against Pornography….Targeting Free Speech -the The First Amendment Mothers Against Gun Violence….Against the ownership of guns-The Second Amendment It is surprising that the Mothers are not demanding that the government station troops in our homes (3rd amendment) or that public flogging be reinstated (8th Amendment). Actually, a group of welfare mothers in Chicago during the 90s wanted National Guard troops to be stationed in public housing. And the beat goes on….. Mothers Against Knives…Having successfully banned guns in England a new crusade was started. Mother Against the Draft…There isn’t actually a draft, but if they would be against it if it existed….or maybe this group opposes cold air infiltration. And even…and I swear this is real….. Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up…..Complete with a Yellow Ribbon campaign Recent political hope and change in the USA have given more fuel to the Mommy State, representing the ultimate power in the social dynamic, Big Momma. As Norman Bates said: “I’d do anything for my Mother”. Mothers were our first exposure to absolute power growing up. These argument ending words echo throughout the ages: “Because I said so, and I’m your Mother.” They’re Mothers all right.

Monday, November 21, 2011

SANDUSKY OFFERS SURPRISE ALIBI

SANDUSKY OFFERS SURPRISE ALIBI
IN PENN STATE SCANDAL


Happy Valley, Pa.
November 21, 2011
In a stunning update to his interview with NBC’s Bob Costas, disgraced football coach Jerry Sandusky reportedly offered an alibi for the most notorious charge leveled against him in the child molestation scandal that has rocked Penn State University.

According to reliable sources , Sandusky offered the following explanation: “This is all a big misunderstanding” maintained Sandusky. “Like I said, we were horsing around in the shower and the kid asked me to teach him the proper way to line up at center. You know like in football. I showed him the position...the proper way to bend over, and I slipped on a bar of soap, accidentally penetrating him with my penis. I had been washing my genitals when I dropped the soap, and I had inadvertently reached a state of arousal that allowed penetration of the boy, especially since my penis was all soapy and slick. That was when that Graduate Assistant walked in on us. I was trying to remove my penis from his rectum, but these youngsters are so tight, and he was slipping back and forth on the wet floor; I ‘m sure that it appeared as if we were engaged in furious anal copulation, but that wasn’t the case at all.”

The disgraced former coach concluded his remarks by asserting: “Believe me, I’m no Pee-pee toucher. “

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time I thought that I would make a good elected official, so I ran for office. I attended a couple of candidates' forums/debates to make my case . If you have read any of my previous entries to this blog, you can imagine the general tenor of my message. One of my appearances resulted in the following scene ( This is mostly gospel true).

Cojonius: “Blah, blah, blah, “Varmints!”

A woman in the audience turned to another and commented:
“ Did you hear what that horrible man said?”

The other woman responded:
“Lady, I married that horrible man.”

I did not win the election by the way.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Brave New Republic

The Brave New Republic
Oct 17, 2011

Obama Pisses on Your Leg, Insists that it is Raining

Washington, D.C.

Shortly after his address to the nation yesterday, President Barack Hussein Obama whipped out his schnozzle and pissed down the collective leg of America. Accompanying the stream of urine were assertions from Obama, Vice-President Biden and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney that it was, in fact, raining.

The White House position was further supported ex-Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi who was quoted as saying:

“In spite of its tepid temperature and piquant aftertaste I find
this rain water to be very refreshing”.

Later, after making his statement, President Obama cut a prodigious fart.

“Roses!” , declared Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

OEDIPUS CHAZ

After watching the 2011 premiere of “Dancing With the Stars” last night, featuring the tragedy formerly known as Chastity Bono, I couldn’t help but notice similarities to another tragedy: Oedipus the King, written by Sophocles. For you victims of Unionized School Districts, here is the Cliffnotes™ version of today’s discussion:

In the original version, King Oedipus doesn’t know that he is adopted. He goes to a fortune teller to find out his future. The psychic tells Oedipus that he is going to kill his father and screw his mother. Oedipus doesn’t wanna, so he runs away from home. On the road he kills a guy and gets lucky with a babe. Of course the guy is his dad and the babe is his mother. His real mother freaks out and hangs herself. Oedipus freaks out and pokes his eyes out, then hits the road to wander in remorse and disgrace. Sound complicated? Not even close to my theory of Chaz Bono......

Chaz, born Chastity to Sonny and Cher Bono seems to have deeply conflicted Oedipal issues within his family dynamic. As the homely daughter of a sex symbol, mega-star mother and a vaguely asexual father, Chaz may have developed a lezbiatic sexual attachment to his mother combined with a resentment of Sonny’s dibs on her. Their divorce and Sonny’s subsequent death left all lanes wide open for Chaz to step into the role of alpha sex partner, except for the inconvenient detail that Cher (in spite of her legions of gay followers) is probably straight.

Chaz has apparently subconsciously resolved the issue by turning morphodite, cutting off his tits, undergoing an addadicktome, gobbling a pro football season's supply of steroids and covering himself in macho tattoos. Chaz can now present himself (symbolically, of course) to his mother as a viable non-lezbiatic suitor.

Most of this fits neatly into the archetypical Oedipal scenario in that you have a dead father, a sexualized, seductive mother, physical mutilation, and ultimately, the public disgrace of appearing on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Of course, this is only a theory. Archetypical symbolism be dammed, more traditional thinkers might say. After all, in the words of Freud himself: “Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar.”

Try telling that to Monica Lewinski.