Thursday, August 27, 2015

HUGH HEFNER AND THE CULT OF VIAGRA® Com on Hugh: A Four -way? A Three way? A No Way is more like it. Listen up, headslapper: Hef is 185 years old. He probably needs a shot of B-12 to change his mind. The idea that he’s Über Diddling an unending series of 20 year olds is beyond pathetic. However, the wizened Playboy has inspired a cult that worships the magic blue pill and its cousins. There are no innocent bystanders in this cluster fuck. His women are odd beyond belief. I’m familiar with girls that have unresolved “daddy issues” but these broads seem to have unresolved wait …great-great-granddaddy issues: “Oh great great great granddaddy give it to me! Do it like you did last time!” A pregnant pause........“I , I,.....I can’t remember.” Nevertheless, legions of old farts that should know better are lining up for the magic pill and diving in to the fray. The realities of sex with twenty- something- year-olds needs to be addressed for the intrepid adventurers into this brave new world of horniness. The most wanton females of the 60s and 70s pale in comparison to the post-modern girls of today. With the exception of porn theaters and the suppliers of stag movies for bachelor parties and Penthouse Forum, there was no easily available pornography to serve as the educational base for sex. Anyone can now access anything that can be conceived (try it...use Google to search for the most ridiculous idea that you can imagine. I just ‘Google-searched “Lesbian Midgets” and “Spanking”....and got 29,100 results in less than half a second) The privacy provided by the Internet has provided inspiration to women that would have previously topped out at “loose”. The “bad girls” at my high school underlined the dirty parts of “Tobacco Road” “Lolita “and “Lady Chatterley’s Lover”, stole scotch whiskey from their parents and took Darvon® scavenged from the mother’s medicine cabinet. They were good for some steamy make out sessions and some would eventually allow you to talk them out of their virtue. I know of one girl that was deflowered at least 5 times. The 50s and 60s had the movie sexpots of Marilyn, Jane Mansfield and others that in retrospect struggled to achieve naughtiness. The women of the brave new world have a repertoire of sex acts, positions, wardrobe and accessories/equipment that would have made Donatien Alphonse François, a.k.a. the Marquis the Sade blush. Proto-trollops like Madonna have spawned a new generation of “role models” for girls: Britney, Paris, Lindsey, and the Kardashians, that have become celebrities in great part due their willingness to flash shaved kooches, produce their own amateur porn flicks and stumble from one drunken scandal to the next in a highly entertaining fashion. Tequila (straight or in Margaritas), Jack Daniels and Jaegermesiter were once the troika of “liquid panty peeler (LPP)” that men tried to foist on unsuspecting young ladies. The scary reality is that ordering up a few shots of LPP will likely be her idea; it’s a 50-50 proposition that she will be wearing panties to begin with, and she may show up with reinforcements in the form of a fresh bottle of Cuervo Gold and a girlfriend for later. These shameless hussies don’t even require salt and lime in many cases! Along with these, drugs such as Ecstasy and Molly turn mundane sexual encounters into mind-bending marathons that are dangerous for young men, never mind geezers with urgent drug induced hard-ons. I also suspect that the incidence of women employing date rape drugs such as Rohypnol, GHB and similar potions is at least as common as their use by men. Hefner has cleared a dangerous path for the unaware. At the very least, if you insist, take appropriate measures. Semper Erectus, Semper Paratus implies that a kit bag will contain: Condoms Lubricant Mouth Piece... never mind, just remove your dentures Dental dam Latex Gloves Bicycle Helmet Knee Pads Elbow pads The Complete Stockroom Christmas Catalog Dogging Bat (Look it up) Protective Goggles DVD player with a copy of “Lesbian Girl Scout Leaders in Bondage” Oxygen Tank Nitrous Oxide Tank Helium Tank Video recorder with wearable camera Gatorade® for the replacement of electrolyte… hell, might as well hook up an I.V. drip of 5% dextrose solution Automatic Electric Defibrillator Cell Phone with 911 and a Divorce Lawyer on speed dial. A co-ed of my acquaintance summed it all up by paraphrasing a Viagra® product advisory: “If you are experiencing an erection lasting more than 4 hours, call me!”

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