Thursday, July 1, 2010


Did anyone see this one coming? The world’s foremost environmentalist is a Pee-pee Toucher. Saving the planet apparently has its privileges, which include hotels that include condoms in the welcome basket, and on-call masseuses with optional happy ending.

Oops! Another false idol with feet of real clay. At least Gore’s mentor had better taste in women. Monica Lewinsky, while a little on the Zaftig side was at least, young, nubile and most important willing, as opposed to the middle-aged victim who is, against all odds, an actual, legitimate, professional on-call masseuse and not-interested-at -all- thank-you-very much. In an additional ironic twist, the former Vice-President is apparently a premature ejaculator, leaving a trail of spooge as distinct as the Gulf Oil spill on her clothing. And the yet-to-be-identified victim learned from her predecessor in the Clinton White House, carefully preserving evidence on her slacks.

What are the odds that for eight years running we had a matched set of horny varmints in the White House? Like the victim, I’m sure that this incident was not a first for the “Sex Crazed Poodle” formerly known as Al Gore. This renaissance man has been busily trotting the globe going from one Pito Tweezeling to the next ever since receiving the Academy Award.

Abetted by the staff of writers that produced “An Inconvenient Truth”, he probably had some killer pick up lines. I can just hear him:

“You are so hot; you may be causing global warming.”

“Can I pay for this massage with Carbon Credits?”

“You know that along with “Love Story”, Debbie does Dallas” was also based on my life.”

“I really didn’t invent the entire Internet, just the good parts.”

And to quote Gary Glitter: “Do wanna touch me there? Where? There! Yeah! Oh Yeah, Oh yeah!”.

Not to cast aspersions on the spirit of free market enterprise, I can imagine

3 AM at the Gore compound somewhere in Tennessee, the phone rings incessantly. Tipper Gore takes the phone and answers:

“Gore residence, do you have any idea what time it is?”

A female voice responds:

“ I’m sorry but I must speak to Vice President Gore, it’s an emergency.”

Al Gore slowly wakes and rolls over...

“What is it sweety?” he asks.

“Some woman, she says it’s an emergency” Tipper replies in an icy tone, eyeing a heavy crystal ashtray.

“Must be an environmentalist activist , they never rest” ...Al takes the phone.

“Hello, Al Gore, Inventor of the Internet, basis for eternal romantic drama, savior of the planet and the legitimate 43rd President of the United States here. May I help you?”

The unidentified woman:

“Mr. Vice President, I have an important business proposition for you”

“Lady, I invented that Carbon Credit scam, are you pulling my leg?”

“Not like you wanted me to, you globally overheated sex poodle”

Gore goes ashen and is visibly shaken.

“Holy Mother of God! It’s Portland, Isn’t it?”

“What’s wrong in Portland honey?” Asks Tipper suspiciously. She has gotten out of bed and is standing across the room and is now hefting the crystal ashtray .

“There’s been a spill honey, it could be a disastrous biological incident” he answers in a wavering voice.

The woman on the phone continues:“Al, remember how immediate your needs were in your second Chakra? You prematurely deposited your carbon footprint all over my nice new slacks. I kept those slacks Al, and now I want to sell them.... To you. .....”

Gore flinches as the heavy ashtray flies past his head, shattering loudly against the bedroom wall.

A Secret Service agent kicks the door open, weapon in hand

“Mr. Vice-President! Are you OK? “ he asks alarmed

”It’s Tipper! She’s gone berserk again! Save me! And it’s Mr. President, not Vice President. How many times do I have to tell you that George Bush stole that election!”

The Agent holsters his gun and draws a Tazer, aiming it at Tipper who is searching for additional missiles to heave at her husband.

“Mrs . Gore, there is no reason to get violent again. . .” The agent says in soothing tones.

“Global warming my ass!” snarls Tipper, “I knew that was all B.S.! Don’t TAZE me bro, don’t TAZE me!...AHHH!!! “

It’s too bad that our current President isn’t into the “Nuts and Sluts” a la Clinton and now Gore. The Venial sins of picking off the occasional campaign groupie or White House Intern don’t compare with the the thorough reaming that Obama is giving the republic.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Dark Thoughts on a Sunny Day

The news gets stranger every day. The magic-bean-buyers of the USA have turned over the reins of power to a dictator in waiting . As Oliver Hardy said to Stan Laurel:
"You’ve really done it this time!"

Here is the news of the day followed by upcoming scenarios that even 6 months ago would have been considered paranoid delusions but are now well within the realm of possibility:

Current Times
The drumbeat continues that America is near collapse and that only an unprecedented campaign of government intervention in the free markets can save the country.

Highlights so far:

* Stock Market down 25% since the inauguration of President Barack bin Laden
* Government bails out( nationalizes ) banks, insurance companies and car manufacturers
* Stimulus package passes Congress with thousands of special interest funding projects
* Congress passes ex post facto law confiscating legally paid salary bonuses
* Treasury “buys” 1 trillion plus of national debt with non-existing funds
* Barack appears on the Jay Leno show, insults headslappers.

*Oil=approx $50 per bbl
*Gold= approx $1,000 per oz

The Not Too Distant Future
President Barack bin Laden announces the creation of his “Civilian Security Force” as promised during the 2008 campaign due to unprecedented risks to domestic order.

Congress passes and Barack signs a new “equal time” law directed at conservative “new media”. This will include some kind of Internet censorship as well as talk radio regulation.

Executive orders are issued that circumvent The Bill of Rights, specifically the First, Second Fourth , Fifth and Seventh amendments. The selective enforcement of these changes will be conducted by the newly created Civilian Security Force under the supervision of a new cabinet level appointee. The rationale for this initiative is that is it being undertaken “for the children.”

The preceding laws and directives are ruled unconstitutional by the sitting Supreme Court. The rulings are ignored by President Barack bin Laden. This represents the de facto dissolution of the Judiciary branch of government.
Wage control laws are enacted by Congress limiting compensation to non-government employees to the average national income of $45,000.

Welfare payments are increased to the average national income. Eligibility for welfare is expanded to include “all persons within the territorial limits of the United States regardless of immigration status”. President Barack bin Laden, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issue a joint statement that this new wage and welfare regulations are being implemented “for the children”.

Barack appears on MTV, performs interpretative “break dance for change”

*Oil=approx $150 per bbl
*Gold= $1,800 per oz

July-September 2010
The country sinks into deeper depression, with the now-socialized economy collapsing. Unemployment will climb above 20%; 50% + in the black and Hispanic communities.
Gulf Oil Spill continues .

The Administration, along with cooperating mainstream media outlets declare
that the crisis has been solved, even as Detroit, Chicago, New York, D.C. and Los Angeles
suffer riots, looting and a spike in property crime, assaults and murder.

The National Guard is federalized and assigned to restore order. They fail. Elements of the Armed Forces that have been rotated back to the U.S. from the Middle East are deployed in urban areas to restore order. (This may actually work).

Congress under the leadership of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid lead a vote to temporarily appoint President Barack bin Laden as Caliph Maximus due to his unprecedented support in the news polls. Rationale for the move is characterized as good “for the children”.

Barack Appears on “Who’s Smarter than a Fifth Grader” ....He isn’t.

*Oil=approx $250 per bbl; gasoline rationing is implemented.
*Gold= $2,500 per oz

Sooner Than You Think
President Barack bin Laden issues Executive orders that establish Ramadan as a federal holiday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are eliminated as federal holidays.

The states of Tennessee, Oklahoma, Texas, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, Montana, Alaska, Iowa North Carolina, South Carolina Georgia and Nebraska attempt to secede from the union.

The states of California, New Mexico Arizona and portions of Texas see a movement to be declared Mexican territory.

The states of Louisiana, Mississippi Georgia, Alabama and South Carolina see a movement to declare an African Homeland.

Iran deploys nuclear missiles. Israel bombs the sites. Iran bombs the Persian gulf access points, invades Iraq.

Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, Jordanian and Pakistani governments are overthrown as are the Arabian Gulf Emirates. Islamic States are declared.

Syria invades Israel. Israel retaliates with nuclear strikes on Damascus, Tehran and their deployed armed forces. Syria and Iran cease to exist as nations, reverting to 11th century Islamic states.

*Barack appears on the Home Shopping Network, offers to sell American women and children to the new Islamic states in return for crude oil; criticizes Israel for aggression.

*Dollar Collapses
*Oil=approx $500 per bbl
*Gold= $10,000 per oz

Any Minute Now
A state of civil war exists in the above mentioned areas of the USA. Federal troops are sent to engage Mexican army units (official and irregular “volunteers”) in the southwest.

Pakistan launches nuclear strikes on Israel and India. Israel and India retaliate. Pakistan ceases to exist as a nation, reverting to tribal government.

* “The Barack Show” a nationally syndicated talk and variety show, airs on all remaining network, cable and radio stations. Ratings soar as viewing is made mandatory
by executive order.

*Oil=approx $1000 per bbl
*Gold= $17,000 per oz

Any Minute Now Part -2

President Barack bin Laden issues executive orders suspending constitutional government due to an unprecedented national emergency.

The cities burn again during the summer.

Barack signs executive order suspending Congressional elections due to an unprecedented
National emergency. Pelosi, Reid support the move based on news polls.

* The Barack Show is unexpectedly cancelled as the host has mysteriously disappeared in the company of a red-clad figure with cloven hooves and a forked tail.

*Oil=approx $2000 per bbl
*Gold= $25,000 per oz

November-December 2010
Elections are held anyway, using bullets instead of ballots.

The United States of America ceases to exist as a nation.

Cue the dark ages .

There is little mention of the Russians Chinese and Islamic terrorists in this piece.
Why aren’t our enemies taking advantage of this chaos? Because they can’t do a better job of destroying the USA than Barack, Pelosi Reid and the neo-socialist democrat party.

December, 2012
The world ends, no great loss.