Monday, November 21, 2011



Happy Valley, Pa.
November 21, 2011
In a stunning update to his interview with NBC’s Bob Costas, disgraced football coach Jerry Sandusky reportedly offered an alibi for the most notorious charge leveled against him in the child molestation scandal that has rocked Penn State University.

According to reliable sources , Sandusky offered the following explanation: “This is all a big misunderstanding” maintained Sandusky. “Like I said, we were horsing around in the shower and the kid asked me to teach him the proper way to line up at center. You know like in football. I showed him the position...the proper way to bend over, and I slipped on a bar of soap, accidentally penetrating him with my penis. I had been washing my genitals when I dropped the soap, and I had inadvertently reached a state of arousal that allowed penetration of the boy, especially since my penis was all soapy and slick. That was when that Graduate Assistant walked in on us. I was trying to remove my penis from his rectum, but these youngsters are so tight, and he was slipping back and forth on the wet floor; I ‘m sure that it appeared as if we were engaged in furious anal copulation, but that wasn’t the case at all.”

The disgraced former coach concluded his remarks by asserting: “Believe me, I’m no Pee-pee toucher. “

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time I thought that I would make a good elected official, so I ran for office. I attended a couple of candidates' forums/debates to make my case . If you have read any of my previous entries to this blog, you can imagine the general tenor of my message. One of my appearances resulted in the following scene ( This is mostly gospel true).

Cojonius: “Blah, blah, blah, “Varmints!”

A woman in the audience turned to another and commented:
“ Did you hear what that horrible man said?”

The other woman responded:
“Lady, I married that horrible man.”

I did not win the election by the way.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Brave New Republic

The Brave New Republic
Oct 17, 2011

Obama Pisses on Your Leg, Insists that it is Raining

Washington, D.C.

Shortly after his address to the nation yesterday, President Barack Hussein Obama whipped out his schnozzle and pissed down the collective leg of America. Accompanying the stream of urine were assertions from Obama, Vice-President Biden and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney that it was, in fact, raining.

The White House position was further supported ex-Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi who was quoted as saying:

“In spite of its tepid temperature and piquant aftertaste I find
this rain water to be very refreshing”.

Later, after making his statement, President Obama cut a prodigious fart.

“Roses!” , declared Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


After watching the 2011 premiere of “Dancing With the Stars” last night, featuring the tragedy formerly known as Chastity Bono, I couldn’t help but notice similarities to another tragedy: Oedipus the King, written by Sophocles. For you victims of Unionized School Districts, here is the Cliffnotes™ version of today’s discussion:

In the original version, King Oedipus doesn’t know that he is adopted. He goes to a fortune teller to find out his future. The psychic tells Oedipus that he is going to kill his father and screw his mother. Oedipus doesn’t wanna, so he runs away from home. On the road he kills a guy and gets lucky with a babe. Of course the guy is his dad and the babe is his mother. His real mother freaks out and hangs herself. Oedipus freaks out and pokes his eyes out, then hits the road to wander in remorse and disgrace. Sound complicated? Not even close to my theory of Chaz Bono......

Chaz, born Chastity to Sonny and Cher Bono seems to have deeply conflicted Oedipal issues within his family dynamic. As the homely daughter of a sex symbol, mega-star mother and a vaguely asexual father, Chaz may have developed a lezbiatic sexual attachment to his mother combined with a resentment of Sonny’s dibs on her. Their divorce and Sonny’s subsequent death left all lanes wide open for Chaz to step into the role of alpha sex partner, except for the inconvenient detail that Cher (in spite of her legions of gay followers) is probably straight.

Chaz has apparently subconsciously resolved the issue by turning morphodite, cutting off his tits, undergoing an addadicktome, gobbling a pro football season's supply of steroids and covering himself in macho tattoos. Chaz can now present himself (symbolically, of course) to his mother as a viable non-lezbiatic suitor.

Most of this fits neatly into the archetypical Oedipal scenario in that you have a dead father, a sexualized, seductive mother, physical mutilation, and ultimately, the public disgrace of appearing on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Of course, this is only a theory. Archetypical symbolism be dammed, more traditional thinkers might say. After all, in the words of Freud himself: “Sometimes a Cigar is just a Cigar.”

Try telling that to Monica Lewinski.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hot Weather Prediction

Let's see it's July, it's hot...I will go way out on a limb and predict that at any moment.... there will be multiple Al Gore sightings....


The Passion of the Casey

Ms. Casey Anthony was found NOT GUILTY by a jury of her peers. That is how we do things in the USA. That means that notwithstanding Nancy Grace and Jane Velez Mitchell, she is off the hook.

Outside the Orlando lock up an angry crowd gathers, N Grace and JV Mitchell whip them into a frenzy.

NGrace: Crucify crucify crucify!!!
JVMitchell Burn her!!!

Crowd: Give us Barrabas!!!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Pan-Arab Revolt

Okay, so the latest Arab uprising in Egypt has no terrorist elements to it, right? This story reeks of CNN Über-Spin, characterizing the events in Egypt and other Arab nations as a revolt fueled by the intelligentsia, not hysterical Jihadists. Maybe my TV set is tuned to a different universe, as I see nothing but screeching rioters from the area of the world that author P.J. O’Rourke accurately identified as “God’s Monkey House”.

Notably absent in this "intellectual" revolt are the intellectuals from Syria, Lybia and Saudi Arabia, genuinely despotic regimes. Mubarak, at worst is "despot lite", otherwise the protestors would be getting the Tiananmen Square treatment, and there would be several hundred dead already instead of a handful.

With Hillary overtly, and President Obama tacitly throwing an admittedly flawed ally under the bus, this can only end one way, with another middle east country falling into the Iranian model.

Remember that the Iranian revolution was sparked by the country’s intellectual elite and college students, but ended with the rise of the Assaholas, and the establishment of the world’s first viable terrorist state. Thanks a lot President Carter, you peanut munching varmint.

We must act this time. Here are a few easily implemented precautions that may help avoid another foreign policy disaster :

#1. Declare the Suez Canal and the Sinai Peninsula vital international utilities. President Obama: screw the Afghans, send in the Marines. If you can’t send in our Marines, let Israel re-occupy the area. If our panty-waist NATO allies grow a set and want to help, let them. Under no circumstances should this mission include United Nations Peace Keepers as these clowns are as about as useful as tits on a tomcat.

#2. Make a public statement that Iran, Syria and Pakistan have been designated as primary nuclear targets in the event of an attack on Israel, regardless of deniability.

#3. Develop a policy for the disarmament of all middle eastern Muslim countries down to the police department level. This means no tanks, air forces, missiles, nukes, chemical weapons or biological weapons will be tolerated. If it were possible, we should reduce them to pointy sticks, rocks and harsh language, but taking their armament down to the level of a rural police department will do for now.

#4. Make war profiteering (despite what the MSNBC bedwetters say, we are at war) a prosecutable crime with hard time attached to a conviction ( say hello to your new room mate, Rectal Ronnie). This includes price manipulation of consumable commodities including oil and food.

Somebody has to be the adult here.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Good Riddance to a Hateful Varmint

Sometimes.....the stars align and the almighty allows a little sprinkle of pre-apocalyptic justice to rain down.

MSNBC wishes Keith Olbermann the best in his future endeavors....right. I am sure that part of his seperation package included instructions on how to say" Do you want fries with that?" in three languages.

Let's see there are 4 more of these clowns to go.

Matthews, Maddow, Schultz, and the latest addition, O'donnel, who openly confesses to being a red commie punk, should keep this bit of scripture in mind....

Isaiah 5:20 Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:21 Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and shrewd in their own sight!